A Fear Of Failure. A Fear Of Weakness.

 

You all know by now that I have had surgery in the last 3 weeks. It was pretty minor surgery but I was still on strict orders from the surgeon to “take it easy”. He wanted me to refrain from any exercise and heavy lifting. I was also instructed to take some time off to keep flat and try to recover.

When I told Ryan these instructions he thought it sounded great. He always says that he loves to “milk it”. When he is sick he loves to have other people take care of him. At first, it did sound good but then reality sunk in.

I never knew this about myself but I have come to the realization that I have a fear of appearing weak. To me, weakness is a sign of failure- which is also a fear.

After the last two weeks, people have had to do certain things for me. I have not been able to lift heavy products at the farm or do much activity in general. And, it drives me bonkers! I know I appear weak because I am typically the first one that jumps to help a customer load a bag of seed or roll of sod.

Not everyone knows that I actually had surgery. While working on Saturday, I have a student that keeps a phone on him. Every time a customer needs help loading something I was calling him.

I would stand in the office watching him load the sod for customers. It was awful. I felt so useless and I am sure that I looked useless to the customers. They looked at me like I was a “girly-girl” who wasn’t strong enough to load their stuff or didn’t want to get dirty. When in fact, I am the complete opposite. So instead of looking like the strong woman that I like to portray, I looked weak. And to me, weakness is a sign of failure. Failure to stand up and do exactly same work that my fellow male co-workers can do. Failure to represent my job title and look as strong as I possible can. Failure to appear like the kind of woman that isn’t afraid of dirt, sweat and hard work.

This past Saturday I got so frustrated that I ended up getting up and giving a helping hand. And, it was a mistake. I spend the rest of the weekend in agony suffering with pain and bleeding. I know it was stupid to do that heavy lifting but my pride got the better of me and now I am paying the price.

Everyone has fears. Some of snakes and some of spiders but it has been a hard lesson learning what a some of my greatest fears are. One of my greatest fears is appearing inferior and weak to society. Fear of failing to stand up to any task a man can do and successfully completing it as a strong capable woman!

What are some of your greatest fears?

xo