It's Difficult For Him Too

Written March 17, 2017

I think my doctor said it best when we first met with him. After finding out all the details of what had happened to us and our second baby on March 3, he turned to my husband who had kept quiet up until that point and asked, "And how are you doing?"

For the most part, the majority of people are concerned with how the mother is doing and sometimes they forget that the husband is grieving too. He is expected to keep strong and supportive, when in reality it can be very hard on him as well. I wanted to just compose a few thoughts I've had for Ryan as he has been my absolute rock through the last 3 weeks.

Dear Ryan,

I can still remember our wedding day. It feels like it was a lifetime ago and also like yesterday. And yet the happiness I felt then, I still feel now. I look at you and know this was meant to be. On that day, we promised to love each other throughout our entire lives, the sick and the healthy, the good and the bad. We had no idea what life would throw our way, but we knew that we wanted to face it together.

I can still remember those words....they echo around my head at random moments throughout the day..."you delivered your baby"...."your baby didn't make it"....Those words are like vines that twist around my neck, trying to slowly strangle the breath from me. But then I remember you, and the way that the floor went out from beneath me those following days when the reality of things sunk in, but somehow I was still standing because of your support. With your hand in mine and another on my back, we faced our worse fears. I don't think I could have walked a single step without you. I felt like I could have suffocated from heartache that first 24 hours, but you breathed for me when I couldn't, with a touch, a tear, a hug and a prayer. You picked me up at my lowest.

And you are still my comfort and my strength even though I know you are going through the same pains. Yet you are taking care of Sam and myself and putting our needs first. You understand when I need to randomly burst into tears and when I want to lay in bed and bask in my misery. And sometimes you lay with me, and you whisper everything and nothing. Somehow it all seems better when I realize I am going through this with you.

And I think it's good sometimes, that we can't see the punches that are coming our way. Because I think that maybe if I saw what was coming, I wouldn't be able to face it. I'd try to turn and run. But instead, we live and we fight through the storm as it comes, trusting that God will never leave us. I'm so glad that I get to ride this "lifeboat" with you, under the lead of our Captain, as He guides us and revives us, wave after wave.

I love you and thank you!

xo 

*These are the actual words from the "Hand Fasting" at our wedding ceremony. Somehow the words ring true more now then they did that day. 

"These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children. These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch."