Your Due Date

August 12, 2017

Dear Baby Girl, 

Today would have been your due date. Although, I am suspicious that you would have actually been here already. 

Today has been a day I have been dreading for the last 5 months. I was sad and grieving on the day that you were born into the arms of Jesus. But somehow thinking of meeting you for the first time today (or around this time) smelling that newborn skin and kissing your warm cheeks, brings me to my knees because it's something I won't get to do today. 

I can't help but imagine Sam getting to hold you for the first time and thinking about how he may of reacted. I think he would have protected you and tried to share all his trucks with you! 

As I sit here writing this, I am actually 14 weeks pregnant with your future younger brother or sister. We actually were very surprised to learn about this coming baby. We thought we'd have waited but life had other plans for us. And there was a lot of guilt associated with it. Still I feel myself pulling back from falling deeply in love with this baby because it feels unfair to you. We also felt a lot of reservation towards sharing our news because we didn't want people to think we were replacing you- such a devastating myth.

I selfishly get mad that instead of getting to hold and love on you today, I am pregnant and being sick. Instead of today marking the end of my pregnancy, I am only early into the second trimester. 

We planted a tree in your honor where we also laid your ashes and hope to watch it grow through the years as a reminder to us of you and how you would have grown. We hope to sit out and watch Sam play while sitting under that tree today but it appears the weather may match our moods. But we will remember this day and you regardless today and for many years to come. 

We love you! 

xo