It's Difficult For Him Too

Written March 17, 2017

I think my doctor said it best when we first met with him. After finding out all the details of what had happened to us and our second baby on March 3, he turned to my husband who had kept quiet up until that point and asked, "And how are you doing?"

For the most part, the majority of people are concerned with how the mother is doing and sometimes they forget that the husband is grieving too. He is expected to keep strong and supportive, when in reality it can be very hard on him as well. I wanted to just compose a few thoughts I've had for Ryan as he has been my absolute rock through the last 3 weeks.

Dear Ryan,

I can still remember our wedding day. It feels like it was a lifetime ago and also like yesterday. And yet the happiness I felt then, I still feel now. I look at you and know this was meant to be. On that day, we promised to love each other throughout our entire lives, the sick and the healthy, the good and the bad. We had no idea what life would throw our way, but we knew that we wanted to face it together.

I can still remember those words....they echo around my head at random moments throughout the day..."you delivered your baby"...."your baby didn't make it"....Those words are like vines that twist around my neck, trying to slowly strangle the breath from me. But then I remember you, and the way that the floor went out from beneath me those following days when the reality of things sunk in, but somehow I was still standing because of your support. With your hand in mine and another on my back, we faced our worse fears. I don't think I could have walked a single step without you. I felt like I could have suffocated from heartache that first 24 hours, but you breathed for me when I couldn't, with a touch, a tear, a hug and a prayer. You picked me up at my lowest.

And you are still my comfort and my strength even though I know you are going through the same pains. Yet you are taking care of Sam and myself and putting our needs first. You understand when I need to randomly burst into tears and when I want to lay in bed and bask in my misery. And sometimes you lay with me, and you whisper everything and nothing. Somehow it all seems better when I realize I am going through this with you.

And I think it's good sometimes, that we can't see the punches that are coming our way. Because I think that maybe if I saw what was coming, I wouldn't be able to face it. I'd try to turn and run. But instead, we live and we fight through the storm as it comes, trusting that God will never leave us. I'm so glad that I get to ride this "lifeboat" with you, under the lead of our Captain, as He guides us and revives us, wave after wave.

I love you and thank you!

xo 

*These are the actual words from the "Hand Fasting" at our wedding ceremony. Somehow the words ring true more now then they did that day. 

"These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children. These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch."

Since The Day You Got Your Wings, I have Never Been The Same

On March 3, 2017, at 17 weeks pregnant, our baby was born into the arms of Jesus. 

Ryan and I have been going through the motions of grief as we have surrounded ourselves with support of family, friends and prayer. 

We learnt that our angel was a baby boy and we are sad we have not been given the opportunity to get to know him better. But we are thankful we have gotten to hold him. His face and features will forever be etched in our memories. 

I had a placenta abruption and had some complications myself because of it. It was a very scary and confusing time for us. Truthfully, it still is but we consider ourselves somewhat lucky to have meet, held and know who our very own guardian angel is. We look forward to the day when we get to see him again. 

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and tell him about you, but since I don't get the chance, can you please hold him on your lap and tell him about me?"

xo

* Ryan and I can't even begin to express how grateful we are to our family and friends. During difficult times, you realize the amazing community around you. For those who offered up prayers, kind words, flowers, food, treats, cards and other help in the form of favors, we can never thank you enough. During dark times, you brought in some light with your kindness. 

Baby W #2 - 16 Weeks

Actually didn't have time to pre-write so written at 16 weeks 6 days. 

This Week:

Into the second trimester and the 15 week energy has disappeared this week. I blame it on some busy work days and a sick little boy who hasn't been sleeping all that great. 

Baby This Week:

I read somewhere that baby is going through a growth spurt this week. And you MAY be able to start to feel movements. Also baby can see light now apparently. Baby is the size of a action hero! We'll pick Spiderman since that is Sam's current favorite. 

Maternity Clothes:

YES! I've been pretty excited that I haven't had the need for maternity clothes yet as I actually kind of hate them. But while my regular pants are loose in area's like around my butt, they are getting tighter (especially in the afternoons) in the waist. I went to the movies at 16 Weeks and my jeans were feeling uncomfortable around the middle. So, for the duration of the movie I sat with my pants undone. I figured, lights were off, no harm! 

Except the movie I was watching was 50 Shades Darker and when the lights came on suddenly, I had to stand up and re-do my pants. I am pretty sure anyone witnessing would have thought I was doing something inappropriate during the movie. 

Stretch Marks/Weight:

I am actually seeing a few of my stretch from my previous pregnancy darkening a little. And for weight, I was actually surprised I only gained 1 pound in 2 weeks. I was SURE it was going to be more because I have been able to eat more. My waist certainly reflects more then a 1 pound weight gain. 

Movement:

YES!!!! It might be because I am more receptive to it being my second, but I have felt movement this week. At first it took me by surprise and then it kept happening. Pretty much after every meal now it feels like baby is rolling or stretching or something. It's not definitive kicks yet but I know soon!  

Food Aversions/Cravings:

After being sick off of tomato soup on Monday, I couldn't even smell it the next day. Blah! It's been a rough week for sickness. I blame the "growth spurt" that is suppose to be happening this week. But I don't know. 

I am starting to have sometimes random and strong cravings. They are WAY more intense then with Sam. This week was the lime slush puppy! OMG! It was all I could think about. Then I got the treat and I've yet to crave it again. 

Symptoms:

Puking is a rough one again this week. I am always tired and I have no idea if I should blame the pregnancy, work or sleepless toddler. I look forward to weekends now so that I can get an extra 2 hours of sleep in the morning! 

Another weird thing this week is how low the baby is feeling. Like I am pretty sure it is sitting RIGHT on my cervix. It was getting very uncomfortable and scared me actually a little bit. Then all the sudden one morning I woke up at 16 Weeks 5 days, I woke up and the baby felt higher up. Closer to my belly button. Hoping it stays like that. 

What I Miss:

Feeling like me? Is that a thing? It's no secret that I don't LOVE being pregnant. And I hate to even say it because I know I am so blessed and I love my babies. BUT actually being pregnant is not really my thing. It's over 9 months of not feeling like myself, being uncomfortable and even being restricted with certain things. I feel so guilty even saying it but it's the truth. 

Labour Signs:

No! 

Gender:

Team green! Sam has always been insistent from the beginning that it's a girl (SEEster) but lately Ryan and I have been trying to add in the fact that it could be a brother. He just looks at us like we are crazy and says "NO! SEESTER"! Want to avoid any disappointment for him if it is a boy! 

Wedding Rings/Belly Button:

Normal

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment:

Hmmm.....I guess just the weekend. A little more sleep, maybe? 

Daddy This Week:

Daddy SAVED the day the other day when he searched 3 stores in Shawville to find the perfect flavored Slush Puppy for me! He didn't even tell me he was looking for it and just showed up at home with it after I casually mentioned my random and silly craving. I seriously cried a little with joy. Stupid hormones. 

Big Brother Sam:

Sam is getting on board with baby! Got him a new "big brother" book that he likes us to read right now. He was off sick one day this week and a Huggies commercial came on TV and he said "Momma, BABY (pointing to TV) like in you belly! And Sam's belly too". He also said that baby lives under my belly hole (belly button) and comes out my mouth. Sure Kiddo! ha ha! 

Wisdom:

Not sure if this will help any future nausea women, but I do notice I get a little relief from a strong mint if I have a sudden strong urge to be sick. This has been good to get me through sticky situations like along the highway close to home. I can usually pop a mint and it will get me through until I'm home and near a bathroom. 

xo