Wednesday, October 18, 2017

22 Weeks With Baby Number 3

Figured I'd do some skipping ahead as with some things I missed out on some updates but I did take pics!

This Week:

Keeping things fairly quiet but glad to be passed the 22 week mark! 

Baby This Week: 

Baby has apparently grown from a pint of ice cream to a large kale smoothie. At my last ultrasound at a little over 21 weeks, the baby was measuring at 1 pound! 

Maternity Clothes:

Going strong! Living in maternity bottoms except for regular yoga pants. I am mostly sporting a maternity shirt and a cardigan or sweater or jacket over top! Now that the belly is more pronounced, it is more fun to dress the bump! 

Stretch Marks/Weight: 

Minimal stretch marks actually except for the old ones and my weight is up 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight according to my 21 week appointment. 


Lots of movement! I swear this kid is on my schedule because even on weekends at 5 AM it is up having a party. It is as if it knows my work schedule and usually I am awake by that time. Ryan was able to feel baby move from the outside for the first time on September 27 at a little over 20 Weeks. 

Food Aversions/Cravings:

French fries, meats...the usual are gross. But really have had cravings for chocolate and pickles lately (#typicalpregnantlady)! So weird! I hated pickles with Sam! 


I think the worse symptom is the general soreness this time. I feel like my pelvic bones and hips "relaxed" a lot earlier then before making me feel like I'm at the waddling stage already. 

What I Miss:

Lately, I have been missing alcohol. I don't want it to sound selfish but some nights I would just really like a glass of wine. When out for our girls trip in Nova Scotia and I had the fish, I SO badly wanted a cold beer with it. 

Labor Signs/Health Update:

Well things were looking really great! Stable cervix, no gallstone attacks. All was well. Then at 21 week and a half weeks, I was told my cervix was dangerously short and I needed a cerclage. I had the procedure the next day which was simpler then expected. Recovery has also been fairly easy as well. I am just so thankful for our awesome healthcare system and being closely monitored by the high risk clinic. It gives me nightmares to think about the fact that I would have likely had a loss at over 20 weeks if I had not been this closely monitored. Post cerclage, Doc thinks all looks great and cerclage is doing what it is suppose to!  


Still team green! We had a really fun appointment a week after my cerclage. The ultrasound always confirms your birthday and mine happened to be the next day! So I mentioned that. During the ultrasound she switched it to 3D so we could see the face and it was SO neat! She stayed far away from the gender area and so far no doctors, nurses or techs have let it slip! They actually genuinely seem excited to have a couple who aren't finding out as it is rare. 

Wedding Rings/Belly Button

No changes but belly button is starting to get more shallow. 

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment:

Seeing the baby in 3D was a highlight of this pregnancy. It looks like a little baby rather then just bones! I would also have to say all of the birthday treats in the last few weeks! With the gallbladder diet I still try to be careful but have been enjoying some nice birthday meals and treats! 

Daddy This Week:

Another rough time for my poor husband. This man will seriously deserve a medal after this pregnancy. He was by my side pre and post op and I was so glad to have him there. He has been taking such good care of Sam and I. For my 30th birthday he planned an awesome weekend away that unfortunately had to get canceled and we never got a lot of the money back. I felt awful but he never even flinched. He still made it a special birthday and continues to do most stuff around the house and check on me all the time. 

Big Brother Sam:

Again, I was worried about Sam catching on to me being in the hospital again and the surgery stuff. But we tried to keep things as normal as possible and he didn't seem to notice or change his mood any. My parents and Ryan have been doing most daycare drop-offs/pick ups which I think Sam is getting use to. But boy do I miss him! The daycare drives we would chat and sing. When he gets home he wants to get straight to playing and doesn't want to visit. I officially don't fit with him in his bed anymore so we have stories and snuggles in our bed before he goes to sleep. 


I don't know who invented the cerclage but thank you. You have saved many a babies. A few women have reached out to me about their cerclage experience. Unfortunately, most of us had to have a loss before a cerclage was considered for our next pregnancy. I wish there was some way of making cervical checks more standard from 15-24 weeks for all pregnancy women. It would prevent SO many pre-term births and losses. 


Thursday, October 12, 2017

On Turning 30

*Update: Doctors appointment went SO well yesterday. My cervix is now longer again than it was a month ago. I will go back in 2 weeks to make sure there is no change but he is very hopeful that all will be good now. Talk about the best birthday gift ever!*

A few years ago, I dreaded the day that I'd leave my "20's" and be in my "30's". It just seemed like a big age! At 16 I though it meant "old". I was happy with where life was at that moment but growing up is scary sometimes and so is getting older!

I can't say the last year of my 20's has been the greatest ever. I got pregnant in November 2016 (month after my birthday) and proceeded to be SO sick after that. With the added sickness came a few hospitals visits and then finally the loss of our little girl in March. The remainder of my last year of 20's, I tread through the emotions of grief and then fear as I learnt I was pregnant again. The sickness began again with my next pregnancy. The last few months of my "20's" has seen a lot of precautionary hospital visits and then just 1 week before turning 30, a day surgery to hopefully keep baby cooking for as long as possible. The last week before turning 30 dealing with a lot of shame and guilt given the fact that my body feels broken to what it is suppose to do as a woman. Too much time to think and not being able to be as active with Sam which breaks my heart. 

But today as I turn 30, I want to think back on some of the fonder moments of the year! The good in my life and the friends and the family that I am so blessed to have surrounding me. 

This year brought trips, maple syrup making, a new greenhouse, our business celebrating 40 years, a new vehicle, new bundles of joy for friends, supper dates with Ryan and friends, movies, lots of food in my belly, a roof over my head,  A+ government covered medical care, a little girl in heaven watching over me and a boy who lights up my everyday. I truly am blessed! 

So, lately when people ask or tease about me turning 30, I truly don't care. Actually, my birthday is pretty far from my mind this year (Except for cake. I can't wait for a big slice of chocolate cake and some other birthday treats!).  If anything, I am more hopeful that turning 30 will be a welcomed change! A fresh start, hopefully a year of happy memories. If not, I guess with "age" I am beginning to learn that even through the hurt and the pain, seeing the good around me. To know that things could be worse, the pain will get better with time and taking the time to count my blessings. Here's to a new decade of learning, growing, loving, celebrating, reflecting and living!  

Here is to 30! 


Tuesday, October 10, 2017


It has been a while since an update. It has actually been pretty great in these part! I have a recap of a great time to Nova Scotia with some girlfriends that I'd like to share. But I think I'll have a lot of time to do that as from now until the baby comes, this Momma is going to be taking things a little easier. 

To say this has felt like a long pregnancy already would be an understatement. Counting down days until the next milestone. It was been both a comfort and trouble getting to the hospital that is over an hour away to be seen by the high risk doctors. 

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I was always told "you'd be lucky to make until 34 weeks" but that everything looked good. Apparently by nature, I have a shorter then average cervix but it was stable and not moving so they just thought it was just the way my body was made. Thankfully, they were still checking it every two weeks. A week ago today at my last measurement, my cervix wasn't stable anymore. In was now shorter then what they like to see at this point in a pregnancy. It means that my cervix was no longer stable and if it got any shorter, it could mean early dilation and pre-term labor. Being that last week I was only 21 weeks and some days pregnant, it could mean (depending on how much more it shortened) another loss of a baby for us.

I am so thankful that they caught it and even more thankful that my doctor assured me we were still at a good point (lots of cervix left and not too pregnant) to still get a cerclage. But it did mean that the following day (Thursday, October 5) I was back at the hospital and getting day surgery. 

Going into the OR that looked so similar to the one I went into in March brought on a wave of emotions and a panic attack. Through the panic I kept telling them I was getting a cerclage, not a D and C. They kept assuring me yes they knew which procedure I was getting but the lights and smells were all too familiar. I couldn't catch my breath and I was dizzy, feeling like I was almost in the middle of a dream. It took one strong willed nursed to snap me out of it by telling me they may be forced to give me a sedative (they didn't). 

After that episode, I was most freaked out about getting a spinal as I had never experienced that before but it was a breeze. The difficult part was that like normal for that procedure, I began contracting shortly after the surgery (and freezing) was done. The nurse and doctors kept assuring me that it was normal and would end soon and offered me a narcotic to help. I agreed and thankfully the narcotic not only knocked me out but also helped the pain from the contractions which did end within an hour. 

I was able to go home and have been enjoying my home from a horizontal angle since. I will be heading back today to check and make sure the cerclage is doing what it is suppose to do but I actually feel good and hopeful it's working and will continue to work for some time. 

So begins the counting down to a new milestone, viability...24 weeks. 11 more days, and counting. 


Friday, September 29, 2017

19 Weeks with Baby Number 3

Currently 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. 

And just for fun....a comparison. 19 weeks with Sam. 3rd pregnancies are no joke! ha ha! 

This Week:

19 weeks! Almost half way...weh! 

Baby This Week: 

Baby is the size of a game boy (?) right now. But I think there may be a growth spurt or something this week because I have been HUNGRY and tired! 

Maternity Clothes:

This hot weather has been a killer! My maternity work clothes are long sleeved so while I am OK when sitting in the office, it is BOILING when I step outside! Plus I have no shorts or t-shirts that fit me. So I've been trying to get away with Yoga pants and one of Ryan's t-shirts. I really want some cooler weather again so I can use my maternity jeans and leggings with sweaters. 

Stretch Marks/Weight: 

At my doctors appointment this week I was actually down a few pounds. This is likely due to my new gallbladder diet. 

As the belly moves upward and is getting bigger, my old stretch marks are turning more purple then the skin color they were. It's funny, last pregnancy I was lathering on the cream to "help" but this time I only put it on after a shower or when I'm itchy. It's just inevitable that I'm gonna have stretchmarks so I'm not going to waste time or money on products to prevent it. 


SO much movement again this week. On the weekend I could feel maybe a leg above my belly button. If I lay still with my hand on my belly I can sometimes feel it from the outside but it's too sporadic for Ryan and Sam. 

Food Aversions/Cravings:

This week has all been about the new Gallbladder diet plan. It's not too bad yet. Basically, no greasy or fatty foods. Lots of fresh fruit, vegetables, lean meats, whole grains and lots of water. While this won't make the stones go away, hopefully it will keep attacks at bay. 

I am craving a BIG cinnamon bun dripping in cream cheese icing. Any fat free recipes you can share? ha ha! 


Very hungry and tired this week. I woke up for the first time at midnight STARVING one night. I was too tired to get up to get something to eat however. I have been fighting a cold this week too which adds to the tiredness I'm sure. Also OVERHEATING with this heat wave. Props to you Momma's who are pregnant all summer long, it sucks. 

What I Miss:

Cold medicine. I would usually not take anything in the daytime but I loved taking nighttime NyQuil for a good nights sleep! Boo! 

Labor Signs/Health Update:

No Gallstone attacks this week which is great but also not expected as it was two weeks between my other two. Went for an ultrasound this week and doctors appointment. It was the anatomy scan which meant a nice and long look at baby! Everything is looking good and on track. Since they measure the baby via ultrasound every 2 weeks, they never do a belly measurement on me or use a doppler (as we see the heart beating). At the beginning of this pregnancy they gave me the option of a precautionary cerclage. Basically a "stitch" to keep everything closed. They didn't say it was necessary but that it was an option. The measured my cervix every appointment with no change but did give us (Ryan was there too) one last chance at a cerclage if it made us feel more comfortable as 19 weeks is the cut off as to the latest you can get one. We asked their medical opinions, talked pro's and cons and finally decided to decline. Pretty final. Now we pray and have faith that all will be good until the 24 week mark. 


SO hard to stay team green this week during our ultrasound but we stayed firm in our decision. The general has actually been very helpful and courteous with this. Going above and beyond to make sure we don't know.  

Wedding Rings/Belly Button

No changes! Although with the heat I feel like my "work" wedding ring is getting tighter as it is half a size smaller then my good rings. 

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment:

Ultrasound day! Getting my new Mom-mobile! I am now an official Minivan Momma! Bring on the sliding doors! Exciting week!

Daddy This Week:

Ryan was able to come with me to this last appointment which was awesome. It was a big ultrasound but with it being our busy season, it's harder for him to get away too. I actually like when Ryan comes for the ultrasounds. He is good all the time but after re-affirming and seeing the kid in my belly, for the next week or so he goes ABOVE and beyond his catering to me. ha ha! 

Big Brother Sam:

Sam has been going through a weird stage the last 2 weeks or so. He requests me for EVERYTHING and wants nothing to do with Ryan. I don't know if he is trying to get as much Mommy time in when he can or something. 


Basements are cool. As in cold. Sleep in the basement when the temperature feels like 40 degrees outside. 


Monday, September 25, 2017

Weekend Recap - Maybe More Nesting Than I Planned

Happy Monday everyone! Holy smokes it was a hot one in this area! And I said it once and I'll say it again, SERIOUS props to you Momma's out there that are pregnant all summer long! It is DEADLY! I can't breath on good days but add in this heat and it is even worse. My fingers are swelling and I just feel like I am overheating in minutes. I REALLY want to break out my leggings and boots already! 

The weekend started out pretty exciting! After almost 6 years, we traded in the Ford Edge for a 2018 Kia Sedona. Yup, I'm officially a Minivan Mom now! I have loved minivans for their practicality for a long time and we even began looking when I was pregnant with baby number 2. But we finally bit the bullet rather then sink some money into my car this Fall. So why a van when technically we only have 2 kids? Well, we figured with future hockey equipment, friends and family, it would be a nice solution for fitting many people. Plus, I am super excited about putting a baby in and out of the car with sliding doors! Yes, this will be our last baby but we are still open to the possibility of a future adoption for us. Basically, it just made sense for our family for many reasons.  

Mr..."I'm never driving a van", driving the van! :) 

All week Sam has been doing a count down for the weekend. Mostly, I think he has just been excited to sleep in! Ryan had to work Saturday but Sam and I had a lazy morning of cartoons, breakfast and playing inside! 

I eventually convinced him to go outside for a few hours to enjoy the weather while it was still technically "cooler". He played himself out with his typical sandbox fun! We also did water on the farm too which involves RTV drives which helped keep us cool.  

I've been pretty adamant about not doing too much "get ready for baby" stuff and nesting until I reach the 24 week mark. I just don't want to jinx anything and doing that kind of stuff makes me feel like I am. 

But the lists have been running through my head. One item was to prepare the cloth diapers that I used for Sam. This is a pretty big job because it involves washing the outside and stripping the inserts. 

I woke up early on Saturday and decided it was the perfect day to accomplish this task because not only was I home all day, but the weather was PERFECT for hanging them on the line. They'd be dry in no time. I did a 2 hour wash cycle for the covers and then took the inserts outside in a big tub with boiling water, dawn soap and bleach and swirl it all around for 15 minutes and then let it sit for another 15. Wash the inserts on a hot cycle with an extra rinse, hang everything to dry and VOILA, literally like brand new! Even soft and perfectly white (thanks sun). I re-stuffed the diapers and made them into the smallest size (sooo cute). They are all ready and I feel glad to cross something off the list!  

Ryan got home after nap and we had a fun night of pizza by the pool, a swim and then a fire to enjoy before bed. It really calmed down Sam before bed and he was so snugly. 

Sunday was another scorcher! But we were up for church and our regular routine. Had to find some summer stuff to get away with to wear. My belly has grown substantially I find this last week. Sam just wanted to spend the afternoon inside playing with Duplo which was OK with me! 

How was your weekend? 


Friday, September 22, 2017

18 Weeks With Baby Number 3

Currently 19 Weeks, 6 Days 

This Week:

Made it to 18 weeks! Very relieved! 

Baby This Week: 

Baby is the size of a sling shot (?) according to my app. I feel like baby has really gotten stronger because movements have been very intense. 

Maternity Clothes:

Since I am pregnant around the same time as I was before with Sam, I am not finding it that hard to find something to wear. The hotter weather this week does make it more difficult though. I bought myself 3 new maternity pieces. 1 new pair of Skinny jeans that I LOVE! They were what I would call expensive but I go to them EVERY time I get dressed in something besides work clothes! I love them and consider the cost worth it. I also got a blouse that I am wearing in the above picture for 70% off and I've also got a cardigan that I plan on wearing post baby as well! 

Stretch Marks/Weight: 

At my last appointment at 17 weeks and some days, I was up 4 pounds then 2 weeks ago!! WOAH! I guess the Shawville Fair food got the best of me. Woops. 


So much movement! Love that feeling. I am excited for when Sam (Ryan too! ha ha) can feel it from the outside! 

Food Aversions/Cravings:

French fries, meats...the usual. Because of it being Fall, I am cravings apple and pumpkin flavored things! 

A homemade "Fall" coffee at the office this week really hit the spot! 


The headaches have subsided this week. Thankfully! The belly I feel is very pronounced now. Umm...the backed up thing that goes with pregnancy, not so fun! And I've been getting lots of heartburn this week. 

What I Miss:

Not a lot I miss actually! 

Labor Signs/Health Update:

Well I had an interesting week in the health department. At 18 weeks and 5 days, I woke up to INTENSE back and chest pain. I had experienced this about 2 weeks prior but thought it was just back spasms. Well it was back and I could hardly handle the pain. I was laying on cold floor, trying yoga poses, having sweats and chills and feeling sick! I called the nurse hotline and she told me to call an ambulance. I said no but we did head to the General right away. At first with the chest pains they were going to hook me up an EKG but after some pain meds, blood work and ultrasound, it turns out I have Gallstones and a lot of them. He referred me to a surgeon but he said they may not operate until after the baby comes. If/when another attack comes, I am to take pain meds to try and manage. I am trying to monitor my diet to hopefully keep attacks at bay. 


Still team green! I think so far the vote for boy versus girl is taking the lead! 

Wedding Rings/Belly Button

No changes! 

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment:

Well at over 18 weeks we got our ultrasound and baby was really putting on a show and again during the ultrasound for gallstones, the tech took a peak. 

Daddy This Week:

Poor Ryan had a rough week with my gallstone attack. He had to try and help me during the pain, and then drive me at 3 AM to the hospital during the attack. It must be so stressful for him to go through that. He proceeded to sit at the hospital in an uncomfortable chair for almost 12 hours waiting on the results. I sometimes complain about him, but truthfully he is such a strong man and great partner. Through this pregnancy he has really stepped up in helping around the house, with Sam and just being there for me. I asked him one night if he still would have married me if he knew what kind of trouble I would have with giving him children. Without hesitation he said that he would do everything exactly the same.

Big Brother Sam:

I was a little worried about my early morning/all day doctor visit and it worrying Sam. He is a sensitive and receptive little dude. As soon as I saw him, he asked where I was and I just told him, "Momma has rocks in her belly and doctor is going to make it better". Then proceeded with normal routine including the next morning. 


When learning what my new diet would entail, I was at first a little depressed about all the food I would be missing. But after a little time on Pinterest, I found some new recipes and food ideas to make myself excited. I am trying to keep it positive and find food I will truly enjoy! 


Friday, September 15, 2017

17 Weeks Pregnant with Baby Number 3

17 Weeks

My new weeks land on Saturdays so updates are a little behind.
 I am currently 18 weeks and 6 days. 

This Week:

We made it! 17 weeks! Wow...I feel like I've been waiting for this milestone FOREVER! 

Baby This Week: 

Baby this week is apparently the size of a gaming remote. The cartilage is turning into bone and cord is getting stronger and thicker. 

Maternity Clothes:

I feel like I've been in maternity clothes forever. Third pregnancies are no joke! My body had no problem figuring out where to expand! But maternity clothes are SO comfortable so I am not complaining at least! Give me stretchy clothes and button-less pants ANYDAY! 

Stretch Marks/Weight: 

I've actually developed some new stretch marks around my boobs. They seem to be bigger this time then my previous two pregnancies. My weight was the same as my starting weight according to my last appointment about 1.5 weeks ago. Which is also surprising as usually I am down at this point. 


I have been feeling "flutters" for quite some time but they are getting more distinct. I can feel when the baby moves from one end to the other (flipping) the most. 

Food Aversions/Cravings:

Pregnancy is so weird. This pregnancy I can't stand french fries. Or really anything deep fried in general really makes me feel yucky. I don't like meat either which has been consistent with previous pregnancies. I am really loving crisp cold veggies and fruit of any kind! Sweets for sure or the sweet and salty combination like chocolate covered pretzels. Yum! This week is the Shawville Fair and so I can't wait to get my usual favorites. Pizza, donuts and beavertail! 


I'm feeling very....pregnant! The sickness has ended (WOO HOO!!!!!). It's a weird feeling not to be getting sick as with both my other pregnancies I had been still at this point. What a relief! I feel the normal other pregnant things. Second trimester headaches, sore boobs and etc. I am finding with this pregnancy my hips and pelvis are way more sore then my other two. 

What I Miss:

French fries mostly but also walking without pain in my hips/pelvis. 

Labor Signs/Health Update:

Being followed this pregnancy by the General hospital in Ottawa. I am considering "high risk" and so I have appointments and ultrasounds every 2 weeks. I am also on daily progesterone. I have no restrictions at this point. 


We will be surprised again. This time for then the other two I didn't want to know the gender. We REALLY do only care for a healthy baby. 

Wedding Rings/Belly Button:

Nothing new in this department! 

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment 

Looking forward to 17 weeks + 1 day the most! The best moment was Saturday at the Fair. We hadn't really been telling too many people that we were expecting again. We just kind of let the word spread naturally. On Friday, I wore a baggy non-maternity shirt and some were looking at me but didn't say anything in case they were wrong. On Saturday morning I wore a maternity shirt and it accentuated the belly and people felt more comfortable coming up to congratulate us. 

Daddy This Week:

Well back to Ryan and his crazy baby names! We love the Babyname app and I think some of my husbands choices for girls are a little umm...."stripperish". Mercedes? Angel? Destiny? Desiree? 

Big Brother Sam:

Sam has a baby in his belly too! Mine is a girl because I'm a girl and his is a boy because he is a boy. Makes sense to me! ha ha! Sam knows what is going on although at first he was very confused as he knew Baby Sister went to heaven. He is consistent in his "baby seeester" predictions and he tries to feel baby move on the outside when I tell him I can feel it. He is getting use to Mommy not lifting him up. 


Days are going by so slowly right now but I know that years from now the time will actually seem to have been short. Trying to remember this and take it all one day at a time. 


Friday, September 8, 2017

Shawville Fair 2017

In passed years, Shawville Fair was an all weekend affair. From Thursday until Monday afternoon we were at the grounds enjoying friends, drinks, Fair food and entertainment. Since Sam, life and interests have changed. Now we spent the limited time we are there in the midway. We are home early in the night. Sam loves the Fair but all the excitement is short lived before he is over-tired. 

But we can't pass up the Fair. Despite the cooler and gloomy temperatures this year, we couldn't pass up some time enjoying the festivities! 

We decided our "big" day at the Fair would be Friday evening. We headed up after work and it was quiet enough that Sam could literally walk onto any ride he wanted. His favorites were the helicopters and flying airplane! 

But this year Sam really enjoyed some of the other things the Fair had to offer. The games, petting zoo and tractor display was a huge hit! 

We squeezed in about 3 hours of Fair time before we took a kicking and screaming toddler to the car. Not without some cotton candy for his first taste, which he loved! 

The next morning we lounged around home and Sam got to work on "practicing pulling a cow" with Tucker. Friends Brodee and Kerry picked up Sam the Monday before to take him to the farm where Brodee was preparing his calf for the 4H show at the Fair. Sam showed great interest and so they offered to help him show for his first time in the Pee Wee division. 

In some show whites, we headed back to the Fair. Sam seemed really excited to be showing but I was a nervous wreck. Sam's typical nature is to shy away at new situations before he warms up. I was worried he would get out into the ring and shy/growling Sam would appear. 

We headed to the barns early to familiarize ourselves with Evalina the calf again and get lined up for showtime! Again, Sam was acting excited but not shying away. 

Well Mr.Shy must not have stage fright because he walked with his calf, leading her where he was suppose to without hesitation! 

He even spoke his name clearly into the mic when asked! Who the heck was this performer? I have to admit, I was beaming with pride watching him! 

He got his ribbon and was SOO excited. You would have thought it was the best thing he's ever been given! 

It was such a fun experience and while we won't push him to be in 4H, we definitely won't hesitate to help him if that is the route he wants to go. Thank you so much Brodee and KL! 

We left the Fair right after the show. Sam went home with Ryan for a nap and I got a visit in with baby Oliver! 

The rest of the weekend was rainy and not appealing for standing around a midway. Instead, we stuck around home and relaxed, enjoyed some outdoor time between showers, napped and got some stuff done around home! 

This included picking (probably) the last of the blackberries! The farm has been polluted with them this year that we haven't been able to keep them all picked before they fall or get eaten by birds! While my garden was pathetic this year (another post for another day), the farm has provided us with other treats for our freezer like blackberries and raspberries! 


Saturday, September 2, 2017

17 Weeks Pregnant

Well, I made it. I made it to the "dreaded" 17 week mark. At exactly 17 weeks, we lost our baby girl. So while I was in normal pregnancy "safe" zone, I still didn't feel like I was out of the waters until I was at 17 weeks. 

At 17 weeks pregnant with baby number 3 and I was hoping there would be a calmness over me when I reached this milestone. Instead, I am thinking ahead like I normally do to the 24 week mark which would mean a baby born at this time would have a 50%-70% chance of survival. And then 27 weeks where there will be a 90% chance of survival...It's all a big numbers game in my head. 

But there has been nothing to make me or doctors believe I won't make it that far. The at first "annoying" every 2 week appointment and ultrasound has began to give me comfort. I am finding myself looking forward to those appointments to make sure that everything is happening the way it is suppose to. 

Besides those trips to the city every two weeks, the doctors have me on Progesterone every night until 34 weeks to help in uterus strength. The ultrasound is not always peachy. The latest ones they have let me look at the baby through my stomach but all further ultrasounds are actually trans-vaginal and with a "pressure test" which with a full bladder is not fun. Basically, they push hard on my stomach 3 times to check how the cervix is holding up to added weight. I can't even see the baby during those which is disappointing. 

I still feel very lonely at the appointments as it is out of my comfort zone however, so far I have always had someone with me which has helped. I have learnt that I need to pack a lunch as my ultrasound at 11 AM and my appointment at 1 PM means no lunch. 

One thing I am loving about the system they have at the General versus my other hospital is the nurse practitioners! They do all the routine checks like weight, blood pressure, urine and etc. Then they sit down with you and ask me in depth health questions every two weeks. Then we sit and chat about questions/concerns for however long I like. The doctor rushes in for the last bit to check up but other then that it's mostly the nurse. They have been a big comfort as they really give you the time you need to ask even the littlest of questions. Feeling like your questions are getting properly answered and explained has been a great help in my anxiety. 

I was reading back on some of my older posts from pregnancy number 2 around the same timeline as I am now. I think it was in the 15 or 16 week update that I mentioned besides feeling and being sick all the time, I didn't feel pregnant. At the time I guess it should have been a warning sigh but every pregnancy is different. Little did I know something was actually wrong. This pregnancy however has all of the normal pregnancy symptoms that you read about. Headaches, constipation, round ligament pains, tender breasts and the sickness. 

I was also telling my Dad over the weekend that at 16 weeks pregnant I remember telling Ryan that something was different with baby number 2. I had some movements but the baby felt like it was going to fall out of my cervix at any time. Little did we know that there was a partial abruption (soon to be full) that was causing this discomfort. As I went into my 16th week, I was paying attention to those feelings and thankfully, it is not the same. Baby is higher and movements are just below the belly button. 

Things are definitely different this time and I am looking forward to 17 weeks and 1 day, getting father along than last time and then hoping to hit every milestone after that! 

I want to begin documenting this pregnancy more now because I really do read back on my prior pregnancies and will likely want to with this one as well. Until then, 16 weeks last week and rocking a very prominent bump already! 


Saturday, August 12, 2017

Your Due Date

August 12, 2017

Dear Baby Girl, 

Today would have been your due date. Although, I am suspicious that you would have actually been here already. 

Today has been a day I have been dreading for the last 5 months. I was sad and grieving on the day that you were born into the arms of Jesus. But somehow thinking of meeting you for the first time today (or around this time) smelling that newborn skin and kissing your warm cheeks, brings me to my knees because it's something I won't get to do today. 

I can't help but imagine Sam getting to hold you for the first time and thinking about how he may of reacted. I think he would have protected you and tried to share all his trucks with you! 

As I sit here writing this, I am actually 14 weeks pregnant with your future younger brother or sister. We actually were very surprised to learn about this coming baby. We thought we'd have waited but life had other plans for us. And there was a lot of guilt associated with it. Still I feel myself pulling back from falling deeply in love with this baby because it feels unfair to you. We also felt a lot of reservation towards sharing our news because we didn't want people to think we were replacing you- such a devastating myth.

I selfishly get mad that instead of getting to hold and love on you today, I am pregnant and being sick. Instead of today marking the end of my pregnancy, I am only early into the second trimester. 

We planted a tree in your honor where we also laid your ashes and hope to watch it grow through the years as a reminder to us of you and how you would have grown. We hope to sit out and watch Sam play while sitting under that tree today but it appears the weather may match our moods. But we will remember this day and you regardless today and for many years to come. 

We love you! 


Friday, August 4, 2017

No New Pregnancy Updates

You know those cute pregnancy updates I use to do? I haven't had the desire to do one at all for this pregnancy. I do feel sorry for this little one. It's not from lack of time. It's more from denial. Sure, I know I am pregnant.  The symptoms, the tests, the ultrasounds. All is good in that department. But I couldn't bare documenting and having it to look back on it like a cruel reminder like last time.

I mean the pregnancy sickness has hit me full force and I think it's just one of those things I just deal with no matter what. No, I'm not as sick as last time but as my doctor reminded me, I was so sick last time because something was wrong. The placenta wasn't properly grown and attached (so they think) which meant I was supplying the baby all of it's needed nutrients the whole time, making my hormones crazy and making me so sick. This time I am still sick and it makes me scared. Every time I am sick I selfishly hope it's not for nothing. I cry after being sick because I feel like it's what I've been dealing with since November. I am tearful because I worry I will spent the next weeks being sick daily and having nothing to say "it was all worth it" for.

We went for our first ultrasound because as I mentioned, the doctors were a little surprised we were pregnant so fast (us too!). So, they wanted to make sure everything was good before starting normal appointments. Well, at 7 weeks pregnant we saw our baby and the little heat beating away. It made it feel very real.

They told me to continue on with life and if I made it to 11-12 weeks, they would schedule another appointment with the high risk clinic. Time went by, I felt more and more pregnant (aka: sick) and my pants got tighter. It was if my body hadn't forgotten yet what it was like to be pregnant so POP went the belly.

At 11 weeks, I went for my next ultrasound and saw a very perfect and active little one. After that ultrasound my high risk team seemed to go into overdrive. I went for blood work (a couple times) that day, met with my nurse practitioner, met with my high risk OB and scheduled some further appointments.

Lately, I have been struggling with the idea that I am going to have to be considered "high risk". Anyone who knows me, knows I am a small town girl and I love my small town hospital. I love sitting in the waiting room chatting with an old friend or neighbor. I love that you typically know some of the staff. At the General, I don't know a soul and I've had this very lonely feeling at my appointments. Being "high risk" also comes with the consequence of going to bi-weekly appointments starting in September. I don't have any other restrictions (then any other pregnant woman), but they still want to keep a closer eye on me by seeing me every two weeks until 34 weeks. So I won't even know where or who will deliver this baby until after 34 weeks. This planner is having panic attacks at that thought.

But despite these things, I am trying to let myself get excited at the prospect of a new baby. I feel like I am not allowed to however until the 17 week mark. But I'm getting there and it makes it easier now to not be hiding it from close family and friends. It was nice to be able to share this very personal news especially after what we went through just a few months ago.

So...Here are some details:

Due date: February 13

Are we finding out: Nope! We are going to try our best not to find out but I am a little worried because I was told that at every appointment I would be getting an ultrasound. So I am hoping they don't slip. Boy or girl, ultrasound picture makes me think it will look like Gru from Despicable Me! 

Sam: He knew pretty early on when I started getting sick. He is still convinced the baby is in his belly. Or sometimes he pretends to take the baby out of my belly to go on a bike ride with him.

Ryan: I think Ryan is struggling with the realization that I am in fact pregnant. He sees me being sick and my middle growing, but when I ask him to lift something he kind of asks why. Or if I fall asleep, he asks me what I am so tired for. It's either it hasn't sunk in for him or he is tired of me being sick and tired, the same way I am sick of it. I think Ryan and I are both scared of this pregnancy so we don't talk about it to one another because we don't want to stress the other person out. So instead, we either don't talk or we are grumpy with one another. Sometimes it's just easier to take it out on the ones you love most. 

Other: As I approach my second trimester I am beginning to feel flutters, broke out the maternity work pants and feel the normal pregnancy stuff. I am learning I hate being pregnant in the summer. Never before has the heat bothered me so much. Time is actually going kind of passing slowly which is both bad and good. We won't be making any "social media" announcement about the pregnancy. Just kind of let people figure it out or have the word spread naturally. We appreciate all of the well wishes, prayers and congratulations! 


Monday, July 31, 2017

Pregnant, Again.

I can't believe I am here writing about this again. Was it not just a few months ago that I eagerly and excitedly opened up a blank blog post to write about my new found pregnancy?

After our loss, the innocence of pregnancy was taken away from me and instead I understood all to well the actual miracle a healthy baby born to someone is. It doesn't always go to plan. When you see that positive pregnancy test, it doesn't guarantee you baby. When you make it passed that "safe" zone, things still can go wrong. 

We had met with a specialist in early April who told us there may not be a problem with having more children and to start to try when/if we felt ready. It was a relief to know we may still be able to grow our family but I knew what another pregnancy would mean; Stress, anxiety and worry. 

I didn't even know if it was possible to get pregnant again yet because my cycle hadn't returned to normal. Our plan was to enjoy the summer and maybe start actively trying in the fall/winter. So, that's what I was going to do. Enjoy beach trips, wine on the porch and nights out with friends.

It was all going exactly as planned. In fact, I was out in late May with friends to one of my favorite restaurants, Lonestar to enjoy a couple of Caesars and some chips and Salsa. We had drank, eaten and paid and chatting before getting ready to leave when all of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling like I was going to pass out. I was literally blacking out and I was sort of panicking. Because of you know.....Lonestar is SO quiet on a Friday night. The manager came over to help me where I proceeded to be completely black out and then be sick.

After I was sick, I felt completely fine. Back to normal and like nothing had even happened. It was the strangest thing. And as I was laying on the cold  floor, I kind of had a thought...

Could I be pregnant?

SURELY not! I mean I hadn't even gotten a real period yet! It's not possible! Is it possible? Why would I pass out? Maybe it's my low blood pressure acting up? Yes, that's it!

I had to work the next morning and the weekend was a busy one. Ryan was actually even gone but I loaded up Sam, drove to the store, grabbed a pack of tests and with Sam used the bathroom right in the public washroom! I stuck the test in my pocket, loaded up the car, sat in the drivers seat and pulled out the test....


Good thing I bought extra because for the next three days I just kept taking more and more tests. And each one came up with the same result, I'm pregnant.

I did nothing fun to tell Ryan. I just told him one morning when we were doing our "family hug" routine, that he was hugging both of his babies. He was confused and I told him I was pregnant and his immediate response? "Ya right" and "Who's is it?" Ha ha!

For a week leading up to this test day, I had been STARVING! Attacking food like crazy but I never thought anything of it. I figured my appetite had just increased. But between that and passing out, those aren't usual pregnancy symptoms for me. If anything, my first symptoms is usually being nauseous. I couldn't believe how good and normal I felt. Again, not typical pregnant Lindsay. But here I was with multiple pregnancy tests.

The reality has sunk in. At first, we were going to keep it a secret for as long as possible. But then we still wanted to share this news with family and friends when we felt ready (which we aren't yet). The people that were there for us during our loss were so important in our healing and we know we may need some of them again if something was to happen. Surprisingly, we feel a lot of cautious joy and excitement. We are trying to tell eachother every day "We're going to have a baby, isn't this wonderful?" to try and help subside the fear. When I get a overwhelming feeling of nervousness, I remind myself that TODAY I'm pregnant and I just enjoy this current pregnant day.

 We are to see the specialist for this pregnancy and they were to surprised to hear from me again so soon. They booked me for an early ultrasound and that is where we are today. Anxiously waiting for that ultrasound date of June 28. In the meantime the symptoms have increased to my usual pregnant self, specifically the nausea. But I'm dealing with it and trying to just sit back and be thankful rather then dwell on the not so fun aspects of pregnancy.

Written: June 16, 2017