I can't believe I am here writing about this again. Was it not just a few months ago that I eagerly and excitedly opened up a blank blog post to write about my new found pregnancy?
After our loss, the innocence of pregnancy was taken away from me and instead I understood all to well the actual miracle a healthy baby born to someone is. It doesn't always go to plan. When you see that positive pregnancy test, it doesn't guarantee you baby. When you make it passed that "safe" zone, things still can go wrong.
We had met with a specialist in early April who told us there may not be a problem with having more children and to start to try when/if we felt ready. It was a relief to know we may still be able to grow our family but I knew what another pregnancy would mean; Stress, anxiety and worry.
I didn't even know if it was possible to get pregnant again yet because my cycle hadn't returned to normal. Our plan was to enjoy the summer and maybe start actively trying in the fall/winter. So, that's what I was going to do. Enjoy beach trips, wine on the porch and nights out with friends.
It was all going exactly as planned. In fact, I was out in late May with friends to one of my favorite restaurants, Lonestar to enjoy a couple of Caesars and some chips and Salsa. We had drank, eaten and paid and chatting before getting ready to leave when all of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling like I was going to pass out. I was literally blacking out and I was sort of panicking. Because of you know.....Lonestar is SO quiet on a Friday night. The manager came over to help me where I proceeded to be completely black out and then be sick.
After I was sick, I felt completely fine. Back to normal and like nothing had even happened. It was the strangest thing. And as I was laying on the cold floor, I kind of had a thought...
Could I be pregnant?
SURELY not! I mean I hadn't even gotten a real period yet! It's not possible! Is it possible? Why would I pass out? Maybe it's my low blood pressure acting up? Yes, that's it!
I had to work the next morning and the weekend was a busy one. Ryan was actually even gone but I loaded up Sam, drove to the store, grabbed a pack of tests and with Sam used the bathroom right in the public washroom! I stuck the test in my pocket, loaded up the car, sat in the drivers seat and pulled out the test....
Good thing I bought extra because for the next three days I just kept taking more and more tests. And each one came up with the same result, I'm pregnant.
I did nothing fun to tell Ryan. I just told him one morning when we were doing our "family hug" routine, that he was hugging both of his babies. He was confused and I told him I was pregnant and his immediate response? "Ya right" and "Who's is it?" Ha ha!
For a week leading up to this test day, I had been STARVING! Attacking food like crazy but I never thought anything of it. I figured my appetite had just increased. But between that and passing out, those aren't usual pregnancy symptoms for me. If anything, my first symptoms is usually being nauseous. I couldn't believe how good and normal I felt. Again, not typical pregnant Lindsay. But here I was with multiple pregnancy tests.
The reality has sunk in. At first, we were going to keep it a secret for as long as possible. But then we still wanted to share this news with family and friends when we felt ready (which we aren't yet). The people that were there for us during our loss were so important in our healing and we know we may need some of them again if something was to happen. Surprisingly, we feel a lot of cautious joy and excitement. We are trying to tell eachother every day "We're going to have a baby, isn't this wonderful?" to try and help subside the fear. When I get a overwhelming feeling of nervousness, I remind myself that TODAY I'm pregnant and I just enjoy this current pregnant day.
We are to see the specialist for this pregnancy and they were to surprised to hear from me again so soon. They booked me for an early ultrasound and that is where we are today. Anxiously waiting for that ultrasound date of June 28. In the meantime the symptoms have increased to my usual pregnant self, specifically the nausea. But I'm dealing with it and trying to just sit back and be thankful rather then dwell on the not so fun aspects of pregnancy.
Written: June 16, 2017