Written April 3, 2017
A month ago today was by far the saddest day of my life. It was the day that I had a placenta abruption and delivered our second child. The memories, touches and even smells of that day still haunt me in my dreams. We were told by three different hospital staff (2 doctors and one social worker) that our angel was a baby boy.
Through the next two weeks, we mourned the thoughts of having a second son. We looked at Sam and imagined his brother/side kick. More trucks, superhero's and a built in best friend for Sam. It felt like we were just beginning to heal and function again when we got some surprising news.
Two weeks ago today, I got an email from my family doctor. He wanted to meet some time after supper as he had some news to share. As suspected, there was absolutely nothing wrong with our baby. The problem was solely to do with me and my body. How the placenta developed and attached. But when he started talking about the autopsy report, he informed us that we actually had a BABY GIRL!
This was absolutely a shock! I may have even used a few curse words while I tried to wrap my head around this new information. I held it together until it was just Ryan and I and then fell to the floor. I had to begin to imagine our princess, potential Daddy's girl and my own little side kick. We had to begin mourning the loss of our daughter now. It felt as through we were beginning the process all over again.
With that being said, today also marks Sam's third birthday. So while the day could be filled with immense sadness, instead we look to Sam and the blessing that he really is to us.
Through the grief, I have been doing my best to hold it together. I still try to avoid social outings where I have to face too many people. And I think I am more distracted as I noticed some of my normal "organized" tenancies have been forgotten. My mother said to me, "you just aren't back to yourself yet" when referring to an appointment that I miss scheduled. It kind of struck me and makes me wonder if I ever will be "back to my old self". Sure, I'll continue to heal and improve but there is a part of me missing, my baby girl. I have that constant feeling of something is missing. Because there is, a piece of my heart was taken when our baby girl got her wings.
"Do I chose to wake up every day and grieve? No. I wake up every day and know a part of me is missing" - Renne Scrima