August 12, 2017
Dear Baby Girl,
Today would have been your due date. Although, I am suspicious that you would have actually been here already.
Today has been a day I have been dreading for the last 5 months. I was sad and grieving on the day that you were born into the arms of Jesus. But somehow thinking of meeting you for the first time today (or around this time) smelling that newborn skin and kissing your warm cheeks, brings me to my knees because it's something I won't get to do today.
I can't help but imagine Sam getting to hold you for the first time and thinking about how he may of reacted. I think he would have protected you and tried to share all his trucks with you!
As I sit here writing this, I am actually 14 weeks pregnant with your future younger brother or sister. We actually were very surprised to learn about this coming baby. We thought we'd have waited but life had other plans for us. And there was a lot of guilt associated with it. Still I feel myself pulling back from falling deeply in love with this baby because it feels unfair to you. We also felt a lot of reservation towards sharing our news because we didn't want people to think we were replacing you- such a devastating myth.
I selfishly get mad that instead of getting to hold and love on you today, I am pregnant and being sick. Instead of today marking the end of my pregnancy, I am only early into the second trimester.
We planted a tree in your honor where we also laid your ashes and hope to watch it grow through the years as a reminder to us of you and how you would have grown. We hope to sit out and watch Sam play while sitting under that tree today but it appears the weather may match our moods. But we will remember this day and you regardless today and for many years to come.
We love you!
Friday, August 4, 2017
You know those cute pregnancy updates I use to do? I haven't had the desire to do one at all for this pregnancy. I do feel sorry for this little one. It's not from lack of time. It's more from denial. Sure, I know I am pregnant. The symptoms, the tests, the ultrasounds. All is good in that department. But I couldn't bare documenting and having it to look back on it like a cruel reminder like last time.
I mean the pregnancy sickness has hit me full force and I think it's just one of those things I just deal with no matter what. No, I'm not as sick as last time but as my doctor reminded me, I was so sick last time because something was wrong. The placenta wasn't properly grown and attached (so they think) which meant I was supplying the baby all of it's needed nutrients the whole time, making my hormones crazy and making me so sick. This time I am still sick and it makes me scared. Every time I am sick I selfishly hope it's not for nothing. I cry after being sick because I feel like it's what I've been dealing with since November. I am tearful because I worry I will spent the next weeks being sick daily and having nothing to say "it was all worth it" for.
We went for our first ultrasound because as I mentioned, the doctors were a little surprised we were pregnant so fast (us too!). So, they wanted to make sure everything was good before starting normal appointments. Well, at 7 weeks pregnant we saw our baby and the little heat beating away. It made it feel very real.
They told me to continue on with life and if I made it to 11-12 weeks, they would schedule another appointment with the high risk clinic. Time went by, I felt more and more pregnant (aka: sick) and my pants got tighter. It was if my body hadn't forgotten yet what it was like to be pregnant so POP went the belly.
At 11 weeks, I went for my next ultrasound and saw a very perfect and active little one. After that ultrasound my high risk team seemed to go into overdrive. I went for blood work (a couple times) that day, met with my nurse practitioner, met with my high risk OB and scheduled some further appointments.
Lately, I have been struggling with the idea that I am going to have to be considered "high risk". Anyone who knows me, knows I am a small town girl and I love my small town hospital. I love sitting in the waiting room chatting with an old friend or neighbor. I love that you typically know some of the staff. At the General, I don't know a soul and I've had this very lonely feeling at my appointments. Being "high risk" also comes with the consequence of going to bi-weekly appointments starting in September. I don't have any other restrictions (then any other pregnant woman), but they still want to keep a closer eye on me by seeing me every two weeks until 34 weeks. So I won't even know where or who will deliver this baby until after 34 weeks. This planner is having panic attacks at that thought.
But despite these things, I am trying to let myself get excited at the prospect of a new baby. I feel like I am not allowed to however until the 17 week mark. But I'm getting there and it makes it easier now to not be hiding it from close family and friends. It was nice to be able to share this very personal news especially after what we went through just a few months ago.
So...Here are some details:
Due date: February 13
Are we finding out: Nope! We are going to try our best not to find out but I am a little worried because I was told that at every appointment I would be getting an ultrasound. So I am hoping they don't slip. Boy or girl, ultrasound picture makes me think it will look like Gru from Despicable Me!
Sam: He knew pretty early on when I started getting sick. He is still convinced the baby is in his belly. Or sometimes he pretends to take the baby out of my belly to go on a bike ride with him.
Ryan: I think Ryan is struggling with the realization that I am in fact pregnant. He sees me being sick and my middle growing, but when I ask him to lift something he kind of asks why. Or if I fall asleep, he asks me what I am so tired for. It's either it hasn't sunk in for him or he is tired of me being sick and tired, the same way I am sick of it. I think Ryan and I are both scared of this pregnancy so we don't talk about it to one another because we don't want to stress the other person out. So instead, we either don't talk or we are grumpy with one another. Sometimes it's just easier to take it out on the ones you love most.
Other: As I approach my second trimester I am beginning to feel flutters, broke out the maternity work pants and feel the normal pregnancy stuff. I am learning I hate being pregnant in the summer. Never before has the heat bothered me so much. Time is actually going kind of passing slowly which is both bad and good. We won't be making any "social media" announcement about the pregnancy. Just kind of let people figure it out or have the word spread naturally. We appreciate all of the well wishes, prayers and congratulations!
Monday, July 31, 2017
I can't believe I am here writing about this again. Was it not just a few months ago that I eagerly and excitedly opened up a blank blog post to write about my new found pregnancy?
After our loss, the innocence of pregnancy was taken away from me and instead I understood all to well the actual miracle a healthy baby born to someone is. It doesn't always go to plan. When you see that positive pregnancy test, it doesn't guarantee you baby. When you make it passed that "safe" zone, things still can go wrong.
We had met with a specialist in early April who told us there may not be a problem with having more children and to start to try when/if we felt ready. It was a relief to know we may still be able to grow our family but I knew what another pregnancy would mean; Stress, anxiety and worry.
I didn't even know if it was possible to get pregnant again yet because my cycle hadn't returned to normal. Our plan was to enjoy the summer and maybe start actively trying in the fall/winter. So, that's what I was going to do. Enjoy beach trips, wine on the porch and nights out with friends.
It was all going exactly as planned. In fact, I was out in late May with friends to one of my favorite restaurants, Lonestar to enjoy a couple of Caesars and some chips and Salsa. We had drank, eaten and paid and chatting before getting ready to leave when all of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling like I was going to pass out. I was literally blacking out and I was sort of panicking. Because of you know.....Lonestar is SO quiet on a Friday night. The manager came over to help me where I proceeded to be completely black out and then be sick.
After I was sick, I felt completely fine. Back to normal and like nothing had even happened. It was the strangest thing. And as I was laying on the cold floor, I kind of had a thought...
Could I be pregnant?
SURELY not! I mean I hadn't even gotten a real period yet! It's not possible! Is it possible? Why would I pass out? Maybe it's my low blood pressure acting up? Yes, that's it!
I had to work the next morning and the weekend was a busy one. Ryan was actually even gone but I loaded up Sam, drove to the store, grabbed a pack of tests and with Sam used the bathroom right in the public washroom! I stuck the test in my pocket, loaded up the car, sat in the drivers seat and pulled out the test....
Good thing I bought extra because for the next three days I just kept taking more and more tests. And each one came up with the same result, I'm pregnant.
I did nothing fun to tell Ryan. I just told him one morning when we were doing our "family hug" routine, that he was hugging both of his babies. He was confused and I told him I was pregnant and his immediate response? "Ya right" and "Who's is it?" Ha ha!
For a week leading up to this test day, I had been STARVING! Attacking food like crazy but I never thought anything of it. I figured my appetite had just increased. But between that and passing out, those aren't usual pregnancy symptoms for me. If anything, my first symptoms is usually being nauseous. I couldn't believe how good and normal I felt. Again, not typical pregnant Lindsay. But here I was with multiple pregnancy tests.
The reality has sunk in. At first, we were going to keep it a secret for as long as possible. But then we still wanted to share this news with family and friends when we felt ready (which we aren't yet). The people that were there for us during our loss were so important in our healing and we know we may need some of them again if something was to happen. Surprisingly, we feel a lot of cautious joy and excitement. We are trying to tell eachother every day "We're going to have a baby, isn't this wonderful?" to try and help subside the fear. When I get a overwhelming feeling of nervousness, I remind myself that TODAY I'm pregnant and I just enjoy this current pregnant day.
We are to see the specialist for this pregnancy and they were to surprised to hear from me again so soon. They booked me for an early ultrasound and that is where we are today. Anxiously waiting for that ultrasound date of June 28. In the meantime the symptoms have increased to my usual pregnant self, specifically the nausea. But I'm dealing with it and trying to just sit back and be thankful rather then dwell on the not so fun aspects of pregnancy.
Written: June 16, 2017
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Typically, Ryan and I take our holidays in the early Fall. It seems like a less chaotic time of year at the farm but we always miss out on some of that warm summer activities while we are vacationing! This year, we decided to take the week in July that would correspond with a week off our daycare has. We were excited for swimming and beaches!
Shortly after Canada day, we packed up and were headed to the airport EARLY one morning to begin our summer holidays! A week in Nova Scotia at my parents cottage was all that we had planned. We were going to fill in the blanks as the days progressed.
We had a boringly normal flight and ride to the cottage! We lounged, settled in and headed to the beach that first afternoon. We watched Moana with Sam and ordered pizza in! Super relaxing first day!
But then the relaxation continued. We would wake Sam up every morning around 8:30 AM, eat breakfast, head to the beach around 10 AM. We would play in the water and sand all morning, even eating our snack and Sam's lunch picnic style in the sand. Smelling like sunscreen and salt air, we would head in at 1 PM for a rest. Sam would usually sleep from 1:30 pm- 4 pm and sometimes, so would Ryan and I. Or I would sit out reading, one of us would grab groceries for the supper that night or we would watch a movie. It was those hours that we completely relaxed and re-charged the batteries.
Fresh Nova Scotia brown bread! YUM!
We did venture out one day to Citadel Hill! Because of Canada's 150th birthday, all Parks Canada sites were free! We were excited to explore this historic site. Ryan even got to shoot a black powder gun!
We'd visit with family, eat ice cream for supper and enjoy a boat ride!
My parents joined us for the last two days of the trip and spoiled Sam with some extra attention. They even agreed to stay at the cottage during nap and Ryan and I went out to one of my favorite eating places, the Finer Diner!
When people have been asking us how are trip was I just keep saying, "relaxing." Because that is the best way to describe it. We all felt so rested and yet like we weren't ready for our trip to end! We miss the family from the East coast and are so thankful we get to see them during our holidays. We loved taking our trip this year in the summer and hope to do it again next year!
Friday, June 16, 2017
Over the course of the last couple of months, Sam has been taking swimming lessons. If was a "birthday gift" to him from us but really we wanted to make sure we did some sort of lesson because last year he would scream when we brought him to the pool.
It was a good investment. Ryan and I both learnt how to help Sam to learn to swim with fun activities and Sam is no longer scared of the water, which I'm not too sure is ALWAYS such a good thing.
You see, last Sunday we hosted the Sunday School picnic at our house. We love to be able to host our church family for a service in the cooled garage and then fun in the pool for the Sunday School kids! In years passed, Sam wasn't always mobile so it was a breeze to keep him away from the pool. And last year, he hated water. This year, he now LOVES the water because of swimming lessons.
After the service, the kids run out to the pool to get swimming in before lunch is ready and Ryan and I start the process of setting out some food and getting the hot dogs BBQing. Sam was good and kept asking us to go in the pool because we had engraved his in mind he only goes in with Mom and Dad! We kept telling him to wait because we were doing A,B or C.
As he stood at the side lines watching all the other kids jump in and out of the pool, you could see him testing his boundaries. Eventually sitting on the pool steps with Ryan's permission.
I was just walking back into the pool area when I saw the tail end of Sam jumping off of the steps and into the pool itself without any floaties on.
THANKFULLY, there were many other bodies around ready to pounce in to get him but Mommy-mode had kicked in and I sprinted passed people and leaped into the pool to grab him.
He wasn't submerged for very long! Literally seconds and thankfully with swimming lessons he knows now how to hold his breath. So when I lifted him up from to the surface he had a smile on his face and just thought Mommy was coming in to swim with him.
Of course, my heart was racing like crazy from fear but I tried to keep the panic to the minimum and stay calm. I reminded him about only going swimming if Mommy or Daddy were with him. I put on his floaties and we went back in the water.
I actually didn't want to give Sam too much trouble. He was being as patient as you can expect a 3 year old to be. It was Ryan and I who were putting him off of swimming (when EVERY other kid was in the pool) because of our hosting duties. Sam doesn't understand that he actually can't swim yet without floaties and so jumped in with the other kids.
We are so glad there were so many watchful people around that day and we know he would have been fine but it was an eye opener for us as far as pool safety goes. We have a lock on the pool gate door but have been spoiled for the last 3 years by a child who never even showed interest. Now (especially after Sunday) we are so careful about keeping that gate locked at all times. Even when we are all outside together. Because you can turn your back for 2 minutes and something can happen so fast.
We are glad Sam isn't scared of the water anymore and we hope we have some fun pool-filled days in the years to come. We attribute Sam holding is breath last Sunday to the lessons he has been taking and even for that we are thankful. While I am NOT happy with Sam falling in the pool, I am thankful for the realization (aka: wake up call) it gave Ryan and I about pool safety and for it happening when there were MANY watchful eyes there to help if needed.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Truthfully, I had absolutely no intentions on taking a "blogging break". Not one bit. But almost a month has passed and there was radio silence here. It wasn't because of lack of material. No, I took pictures left, right and center! There is so much happening around the farm, our house and even with Sam. It's been a good month! But the problem was with me and sitting down to a blank screen and having no words. I wasn't able to talk about every other day life things when my heart was still healing. I didn't know what to write about my grief and yet I couldn't write about anything else either.
There has been a lot of healing in the last month. A good appointment with a specialist who has asked to do further research into our case. I have agreed in hopes of maybe helping other women who may one day go through the same thing. It means more poking and probing but it really does give me comfort. I think I have seen or at least most people have heard about our loss now so it feels more safe to leave the comforts of the farm. I dreaded being approached by people but now enough time has passed that it doesn't seem to happen anymore. We laid our girls ashes to rest, the minister came over to do a blessing on her final resting place. We planted a new tree for her and this year planted pink flowers all around the bottom. It was nice to have that closure.
Work has also been the normal "May Crazy" like it usually is with the added stress of excessive rainfall and flooding in the area! Our home was blessed with no damage unlike so many others! We have a little delay of actual work because of the rain but now that it is June and sunny, things are picking up!
WE HAVE A GREENHOUSE! Last October Ryan gifted me a homemade greenhouse for my birthday. To be honest, it has been the topic of a lot of fights since then! Mostly over the size of it. My 6"4 husband waned this monster of a greenhouse and I envisioned a smaller/cute one! Thankfully, Ryan's Dad convinced him of the smaller size and even helped him build it! We had to hold off for a while finishing it because of all the rain but it is done! Next step is making a work station/shelves and then hopefully put it into use next year!
Sam has been hilarious lately. He is such a witty kid! Just the other day I was crying after hanging up the phone with a customer that was very rude to me. Sam asked me what was wrong and I told him someone was mean to Momma on the phone. Without pause he said, "Want me to knuckle em', Momma?" Ha ha!
We are just about finished with swimming lessons and he has really improved! But not only did it improve Sam's pool skills but helped us by giving us the tools to better help him to learn to swim! It was well worth the drive, time and money!
Other then that, the summer is filling up and I am getting excited for all the fun things to come! Our summer holidays are BIG on my mind lately because I really want some time with my boys. We usually take a week later in the year but this year are doing something in July! Can't wait to enjoy some (hopefully) heat with our summer vaca!
Looking forward to getting back into the swing of this blog writing thing!
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Yesterday Ryan and I celebrated the fact that we have put up with each other for 5 whole years....Kidding...Kind of. :)
We did mark the occasion the weekend before with a trip to the Nordik, escape room, The Keg and a movie! A full day just the two of us! It was heavenly and a great way to mark the day that we were joined in marriage.
Honestly, it hasn't been all roses. And anyone who thinks marriage is, needs not to get married. Because marriage is hard work! It's loving someone even when you don't want to at the moment, it's learning to forgive and it's about being there for someone at their lowest and trying to build them back up and always be "in their corner".
No, it hasn't always been easy and I would say we have faced some of our saddest days as a married couple in the last couple of months. But we actually grew a lot stronger in our grief. I think having each other to cling to during these days of sadness has allowed us to truly know and trust that we are going to be there "for the good and the bad".
Ry, I am glad to get to do life with you! xo