Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Marriage So Far – The Ugly Truth


I’d like to start out by saying that I love my husband. And, keep reading because there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The engagement was a blast, the planning went off without any issues and the wedding was a dream so, why wasn’t I happy? The end of every love story always finishes with, “And they lived happily ever after…” but where was my happy?

My wedding day was everything I had hoped it to be. Every last detail was perfect and I was marrying a wonderful man. The honeymoon was amazing. We had fun in the sun and enjoyed eachothers company as husband and wife. We got home from our paradise vacation to open wedding presents and cards filled with well wishes! There was never a time in my life that felt so wonderful. But, it all came screeching to halt very shortly after.

Ryan had moved his stuff into our home before the wedding. He was living there full time now but we were both still living like we were on our own. We were miserable. There was not a day that would go by in those first few months where we were happy. Seriously, not one day! Sure, we had moments of happiness but at least once everyday there would be some kind of argument that would erupt.

Our first few months of marriage was spent together during the summer months, notoriously a very stressful and busy work time for us both. We both worked very long hard days and rather then coming to a happy house, we would be coming into battle. A simple conversation about how our day had went would turn into World War 3. Sure, we put on a brave face in public but behind closed doors we were like cats and dogs.

Everything Ryan did drove me crazy! His messes, his smell, his single man attitude…pretty much everything about him. And, I know he felt the same about me.

Quickly, I went into a state of depression. There was not a day that went by that I didn’t cry. Ryan and I took turns sleeping on the couch. We wouldn’t even share the same room. I hated going home and I hated where my life was at that moment. I was miserable and very confused. Wondering if I had actually made a mistake. One of the most confusing things was why this was happening? We had started out so strong, so happy and SO in love! What had changed? Marriage was not at all like how I dreamt it to be.

One night a BIG blow up fight erupted in our house that left us both in tears! The big “D” word got mentioned. I felt as though the floor was melting from under me.

That night, we sat down in the dark living room and did not say a word. The house was silent. We both just sat there thinking. Finally, I broke down in tears and asked, “what’s happened to us?” Then, we started analyzing what was going on.

Planning a wedding is a wonderful thing. But, with all of your time dedicated to every tiny detail your relationship takes a backseat. You stop “dating” and just get into a mundane state with one another. In a way, you become very self absorbed. We stopped talking and just started living through the motions of day to day. That became a bad habit and we stopped talking about anything other then wedding stuff. Through the non-talking, you realize that you stop caring about the other person’s day, feelings and every day things. You stop noticing things about one another and stop working on the relationship when working on the perfect wedding day.

All of the sudden after the wedding, Ryan and I were thrown into living together. There were some things that I never realized him (aka not a morning person) that if we were communicating I would have vocalized better. But, because neither of us were really communicating everything would be bottled up inside, ready to explode!

The crazy work schedule added fuel to the fire. All we did talk about was negative things. How tired we were, what happened at work, what made us mad about each other…it was all negative! The stressful and full work schedule kept us apart with any hope of working on any problems.

That night as we both sat there with tear stained cheeks something changed. I think in silence we both realized how miserable we were. But, it wasn’t because it was a mistake and a horrible marriage. It was because we missed eachother. We missed what we used to have.

The biggest thing that changed was that we made our marriage our number one priority. We realized that life is always going to be in the way but we would always think about each other first! As easy as it is to sit at home after work and complain we gave ourselves a limit. The new rule in our house is that during supper preparation after work, we would talk work. During supper and the rest of the night, no work talk! It allows us the rest of the evening to other topics. Positive topics and not focusing on negativity.

Personally, I started changing the way I thought about Ryan’s comments that hurt me. Instead of immediately assuming that he said something to purposely hurt me, I would say this statement out loud, “Ryan, when you said ABCD, I took it “this” way and it hurt my feelings”. 9 times out of 10, he didn’t say those things to hurt me. It’s just that men and women think so differently.

One of the problems I had with Ryan after we were married was that he was still stuck in “bachelor” mode. He didn’t feel like our home was really his, he wouldn’t tell me until last minute if he had plans, sometimes he wouldn’t tell me about plans at all, not calling or texting me if he planned on not coming home at all. Things that didn’t matter before we were married, mattered now. I would stay up all night wondering where he was and then I’d be furious that he didn’t call. He’d get mad because he didn’t think he had to let me know if he was coming home or not. It was just a big vicious cycle of us getting mad at one another. Now, because our marriage (and eachother) are the number one priority, that all has changed. We are always letting eachother know what is going on and making sure that things suit with one another.

I’m sure some of you were expecting a “lovey dovey” post about our first year of marriage so far and I’m sorry that’s not what you are getting. Trust me, no one more then me wishes that I could tell you that our first few months married were wonderful. But they weren’t. Ryan and I are real people and we have/had real problems.

You have these expectations, this idea in your head of what marriage is “suppose to be”. When in reality, it’s whatever you decide to make it. Marriage isn’t just this thing that fits perfectly into this little mould. Every body is different and everyone has different outcomes. It is what you decide to make it! Marriage is tough and you have to put work into it! It takes effort but the outcome can be so wonderful. Sure, you are going to have your bad times but long term, you remember the good.

The good news for us? We believe in our marriage and we believe in eachother. We have moved past those first few miserable months and are now blissfully happy! We are now the typical corny and love-filled newlyweds! We take it one day at a time and always put eachother and our marriage above everything!

We are living our happily ever after




  1. Communication is the key to everything! Not telling if he had plans or not until last minute - must be a man thing!! I'm pretty sure every woman has that problem haha. I find for myself if I ask questions more then it's gets the communication flowing - so whats up for tonight, what's up for the weekend etc..without sounding too nagging but I think it's repectful to let each other know plans, that way you can plan things in your own life.

    I think being annoyed at some of his qualities is perfectly normal espeically when you are with somebody everyday- it's human nature to get annoyed at other people when they don't fit into our "perfect life" picture, at those times take a step back and ask yourself is it worth fighting over.
    I think every relationship goes through all of those fights/problems at some point - yours was after marriage because you guys only moved in after you got married!
    Say good morning every morning, say I love you everyday and good night every night :)

  2. Awe Linds. I am in tears. HUGS The two of you must have felt so alone through that. Marriage, moving in together- it is a HUGE adjustment. And I think we talked about this before, I don't believe being in *LOVE* is what makes a relationship. You can be in love, and not be treating the person you love so lovingly. And you can feel not so in love any more, but since you are completely committed to each other, and put each other first you still treat the person lovingly. This is a key (in my happily but only married for 9 years opinion ;)) Marriage is more like a committment to always working it out, going through the ups and the downs TOGETHER, promising to always, no matter what remember that what you signed up for was a lifetime of reality, not sunshine and rainbows. It sounds like you know this, and that clearly you guys are finding your way (which is awesome because I luv ya, and you bring so much to my family, and we plan to keep you) Keep on truckin' and hold your heads high. It is very brave of you to be so honest. Ryan and you are both so lucky to have each other. Love and marriage aren't always pretty...but they sure can be beautiful. xo Michelle

  3. Have no fear, it gets soooo much better! Our first 6 months of marriage we're HORRIBLE! I had to laugh when I read your post because I think what you wrote about is really common. There are so many changes in that first year that it's a recipe for stress and disaster. I have had nearly 13 years of mushy, gushy wedded bliss, and my husband and I always crack up when we think of how awful those first months were...

  4. I always tell people that first year of marriage is so so hard - and people don't believe me!
    Everyone has "good" advice for you but it's all about finding what works for you. I'm glad you guys have sorted through some of it :)

  5. OMG I remember the first year of us living together and it was ROUGH. I think coupled with being married would just bring it one more level up. I totally remember those feelings and getting to the point of we are either going to fix this or we have to break up because neither of us could handle it anymore. So proud of you and Ryan for talking and recognizing what was going on and realizing that your marriage was important and needed work. So many people would just throw in the towel. Glad you guys are doing better.

  6. Oh, goodness, Lindsay,
    Your post made me cry. Don't forget, if you ever want to talk, I am a good, confidential listener. Holding you and Ryan in prayers of gratitude that you have stuck it out and figured out what your priorities need to be.