I'm writing this right now and I am actually only about 6 weeks pregnant and I am trying to stay positive with the outcome of my ultrasound in 6 more days. Let me explain below.
4 weeks pregnant:
I don't know what it was with this pregnancy, but the sickness hit me hard. Even before I saw a positive on a pregnancy test. It was the whole reason I decided to test in the first place. Well it has been non-stop nausea. Especially, in the evenings when I am most tired. And after EVERY meal. It's like my stomach decided after I eat that it doesn't like food and makes me super sick. Joy.
But other than the nausea and little bit of acne, I don't really feel "pregnant". Not like with Sam when I was really emotional and sore breasts.
5 weeks pregnant:
Nausea and fatigue are the big problems this week. And when you try SO long to become pregnant, you just want to tell everyone RIGHT AWAY! But know that you should wait a while.
I woke up the morning at about 5.5 weeks pregnant. I was feeling like normal and got ready for my day. About 20 minutes before I was to wake Sam, I was using the bathroom when I felt something strange. Almost like a gush of liquid. I wiped down below to see bright red blood on the paper. I immediately jumped up and the toilet bowel water was red. I checked again and sure enough, I was heavily bleeding.
Freaking out, I ran and got Ryan. I was inconsolable and incoherent but the look at the toilet water he knew what was wrong. He tried to hug me but I just kept on my knees praying to god to help me and to please let me keep this baby. Eventually, I contacted my brother and sister-in-law who were the only ones to know I was pregnant.
I wasn't cramping thankfully but it was a good idea to call the doctor when he opened at 8 AM.
This where it got hard. Going on with our day and figuring out what to do.
Ryan had worked a 12 hour night shift but insisted he felt fine enough to take Sam to daycare himself.
We discussed it and decided I needed tell my Mom. I needed my Mom.
I continued to lightly bleed and I told my mom about the pregnancy and the bleeding. We just continued to lie in bed until Ryan got home and I could tell my Dad and then call the doctor. I began to get angry that god would allow a distant-kind-of-not-so-great family member to become pregnant with baby number 10 from multiple fathers and yet I would struggle so much to get pregnant and let alone keep it.
I called my WONDERFUL family doctor who will also be hopefully following a lot of my pregnancy. He said that I should go to the emergency room.
Ryan was exhausted and so I insisted that he go to bed for a few hours and Mom and I will head up. He argued but ultimately, I won. The last thing I needed was for him to become sick at this time.
Mom and I headed to the emergency room where we very quickly in triage and then to see the AMAZING female doctor that was on that day. She was compassionate, gentle and yet very open about the realities.
I had some more waiting to do for blood work results and time for a spot to open up for an ultrasound. I got in earlier then expected for the ultrasound and the tech made quick work. She called in her doctor to explain to me that they didn't see anything but it could be too early. They were going to book me another appointment for in 10 days.
The doctor left and as I was getting ready to leave the ultrasound tech said to me, "when you start bleeding again, come in and we can take care of it more quickly for you". Meaning, a D&C. I think it was then that I just emotionally left my body. It's how I deal with emotional things when I can't take it anymore. I just emotionally leave my body to the point that I don't have an emotional reaction anymore which makes me look cold but it is a coping mechanism.
I spoke to the original doctor that I saw in ER and she was more optimistic and crossed her fingers for me. She explained my limitations over the next 10 days. No lifting, no long walks, no sex.
For the rest of the week I struggled with the emotions of "being pregnant" and then the thought of "you've lost the baby". I wasn't sure what to feel and preferred to not feel or react at all (coping mechanism). There were a few other people who we told at this time as I needed help with dealing with everyday things including my cover for being at the hospital and care for Sam.
It has been a very stressful time. Between trying to be a normal boss, mother, wife, friend and get ready for Christmas when my heart just isn't into it right now. All month long I've been working on new Christmas piano pieces and the next day when I tried to play them over, I physically couldn't. My fingers were not doing what I wanted them to. But to me, music is very emotional. I really play with my heart and I had just cut myself off from all feelings. My heart literally wouldn't let me play piano.
It has been a stressful 10 days waiting until the next ultra sound. Light bleeding continued but no cramps. There would be days where I would feel every symptom and was assured that I was still pregnant. Other days, I was convinced I wasn't. It was a very emotional time.
At 6 weeks 3 days, I was scheduled for my follow up ultrasound. No doctor to be seen this time. Ryan came with me even though I wasn't sure he should. He had just gotten off of night shift and was super tired. And I was worried about us being seen at the hospital together and rumors getting started. I mean we are already on baby watch like crazy (which FYI is really annoying!) but if something was wrong, I didn't want to be continually approached.
I had the same ultrasound tech as before and she remembered me and our situation. She put the wand on my stomach but then had to remove it to restart the computer for number inputs. Before she removed the wand though I saw it! I saw the baby and I felt sudden relief!
The computer started again and she confirmed that there was the baby. Actually to me, at first it looked like two! But one was just a gestational sac. The tech told us not to get our hopes up but she was going to try and detect a heart beat. In silence we sat there, and sure enough heard that sweet sound of a galloping heart beat. So much relief flooded over me. But I think the most shocking was Ryan in the corner and his tears. He had been stressing just as much as me over the last 10 days but held strong for my sake. We were both so thankful!
It's been a nice week relishing in the fact that we are pregnant and not having so much worry. It felt like this was the week we could finally get excited and talk about the baby! Which was also hard to do because it was Christmas and New Year's time! I started to feel very ill on Christmas day. I wanted so badly to be my normal self but I found it very hard. Thankfully, I was off from work for those few days and down time was of a plenty!
Throughout Christmas I kept thinking about next Christmas and that we will have 2 kids! Wow! Feeling especially blessed this Christmas season.
I'm not going to lie. This has been the week from absolute hell. I feel horrible and sad even saying that because I don't want to complain because I have wanted this for so long and am so excited for our newest addition.
With Sam I had constant nausea and a few episodes of actually being sick. This time and this week specifically, I am sick (especially in the afternoons/evenings) every 1-2 hours. I am literally not keeping any food or liquids down. It is actually really effecting my life right now at work and at home. By the evenings I am absolutely exhausted from all the bathroom visits which seems to make it worse! I literally crash into bed and subconsciously take myself to the bathroom when needed. Eventually, I sleep for a long period of time until 2-3 AM every morning where it starts all over again.
I am so hungry and thirsty! I am very careful to eat things that I know will be easy coming up. It's a horrible thought but it's true. I know everything that I eat, will be coming up so I have to be very conscious of it. It is getting to the concerning point as I am not urinating often because of lack of fluids and my weight loss this week alone has been substantial. I am so weak and feel awful for Ryan and Sam because I am really not myself and can do so little to help around the house.
I am also feeling very blue about it. For so long I was so praying to be pregnant and I feel badly to be complaining about being sick. I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am also blue because of my lack of social time. I can literally not commit or do anything. I am anxious to even go to a grocery store because it means being away from a bathroom and I don't want to be sick in public. I just feel overall down.
Hoping this stage passes very quickly!